


The Weight of Living

by dean_n_pie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Slow Build, for the gbb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-17
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-18 10:22:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1424956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dean_n_pie/pseuds/dean_n_pie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Gabriel have been inseparable since Gabriel saved Sam's ass from some bullies in elementary school. But everything changes with an ill-timed kiss at a New Year's Party, and all Gabriel can see wherever he looks is old memories of him and Sam. Now, Gabriel is left tail-spinning, drowning his sorrows at a bar and reliving some of Sam's and his greatest hits. Everything seems to have taken a turn for the worse, and then the greatest tragedy of all strikes. Gabriel's always heard it said that the darkest hour is before the dawn, but him and Sam are so tangled up in heartache and self-destructive tendencies that Gabriel has no idea how any of it will end. AKA the all-human AU where Gabriel is a pining best friend, Sam is an oblivious dork, and there are all the romantic, gushy cliche's that we all love and live for. Also, Gabriel really should have just convinced Sam to take that road trip with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god I'm done. 
> 
> I started writing this fic in, like, October, and finished it in February. Probably one of my hardest undertakings, as it was the first long!fic I've ever written (I've written more over the entirety of this challenge) and oh my goodness, writing on an iPod is both annoying as hell and frustrating. When my fic wasnt being constantly deleted, I was handling autocorrect and swearing profusely at my ipod (it's ok bb i still love u I promise)
> 
> anywhoo, this fic started out as a couple notebook pages of crossed-out ideas and timeframe stuff and ages and dates (whoever says figuring out ages and years is easy is a fucking LIAR) and somehow it's culminated into this lovely little fic of romance and heartbreak and yeah.
> 
> So, thank you's:
> 
> First, to [darcy](http://fallen-winchesters.tumblr.com) and Ivy for betaing this monster (and also to darcy for being a soundboard for my ideas during pit band and school bc i have no one else to tell them to)  
> Second, to my lovely lovely perfect beautiful artists [Awya](http://stardustmote.livejournal.com/) and [flannel4lyfe](http://flannel4lyfe.livejournal.com/): god you guys you came up with stuff that literally took my breath away and I'm still in shock that someone drew something for a fic i wrote and oh god u guys ilusm  
> Third, everyone at tumblr who read like the first 3k of my fic and told me it didn't suck :D sup brothas  
> Fourth, thanks to everyone over at the GBB for running this fabulous fest and making everything easy to follow and wonderful. You guys are absolutely amazing.
> 
> O god I know I'm forgetting a bunch of people I just know it so here's a general thank you to anyone who supported me through this endeavor. 
> 
> So, without any further ado, please enjoy the fic :D
> 
> {Comments&Kudos are much appreciated}

PART ONE

 

~~

_Where I belong, the glitter is gone._

_I'm done with the dark. I know I've been wrong._

'Where I Belong', Ryan Ross

~~

||September 2004||

"Hey pipsqueak! What, just gonna stand there?" The bully advanced on Sam, cracking his knuckles. Sam moved away, feeling his back hit against the lockers behind him. He started to move sideways, trying to get out of the boy's reach, but the kid just laughed and grabbed Sam's jacket sleeve, pulling him back. Sam put up an arm in defense, but it didn't stop the bully from socking him in the stomach. Sam winced, doubling over, the wind knocked out of him.

He fell to his knees, clutching his stomach, and saw a leg pull back, preparing to kick him while he was vulnerable. He covered his head, praying to whatever God there was that it wouldn't break anything. He closed his eyes, ready to feel the impact of a foot against his head. When the expected blow never came, he peeked out from behind his palms, seeing a different pair of feet standing next to the bully, who was spread-eagled on the ground.

"Fuck off, Dirk. Leave the kid alone or I'll kick your ass." From somewhere above Sam's head came a soft voice, dangerous and low. He could see Dirk get up and shake himself off, sneering at the other boy with a curl of his lip. "You know I can, you arrogant dick."

Dirk made an indignant squawk that ended in an 'oof', as if a solid punch had been landed somewhere around his solar plexus. Sam heard the other kid chuckle menacingly, and then the sound of heavy footfalls padding away, interspersed with low swearing.

Sam gingerly stood up, still braced in case a punch was aimed his way. He had expected the new arrival to hit him too, to join in with the bullying. Instead, he got a hand on his arm and a comforting gold gaze.

"Hey, you okay, kiddo?" The stranger who'd chased off Dirk was tall, and he had to bend a bit to look into Sam's eyes. He had golden-brown hair and was pretty slim. Sam wondered how the kid had gotten rid of Dirk, and then hoped it wasn't gonna come back to bite him in the ass. Then the stranger's words hit Sam, and he bristled.

"I'm not a kid; I'm nine years old. And I can handle myself," Sam snapped, shrugging off the stranger's hand and stepping away. The stranger simply raised an eyebrow and eyed Sam's still hunched over frame.

"Sure you were. Definitely looked like you had the handle of things from where I was standing. Especially since Dirk was about ready to kick you in the friggin' head," he said acerbically, mouth curling into a smirk. "Just say thanks, and then you can go off and get beaten to a pulp again, since you seem to be able to 'handle it'."

Sam looked away, avoiding the stranger's eyes. "Thanks, then. I guess." He scuffed the floor with his secondhand sneakers, doing anything to distract from the stranger's gaze. He felt a little curl of guilt overtake his mind, along with a bit of shame and embarrassment.

"Ah, there it is. You're welcome, too. I guess." The other boy made to turn away, but Sam called out. The stranger's shoulders seemed to stiffen for a moment, almost as if he expected Sam to yell at him. They relaxed so quickly that Sam almost thought he'd imagined it, if not for the slight tightening above the stranger's eyes.

"Sorry, I'm being a jerk. I'm just frustrated, I guess. Really though. Thanks. I, uh, I didn't have a great handle on it. Dirk was probably gonna kill me. So thanks for, uh, for not letting that happen." Sam scratched the back of his neck, feeling the awkwardness that permeated the hallway. Everyone else had cleared out when Dirk had, and the only two left were Sam and his -- must he say it -- savior. "My name's Sam. Sam Winchester."

"Well, Sam Winchester, it was a pleasure saving your ass. Let's hope I don't have to do it again anytime soon. And what age did you say you were? Nine? That does make you a kid. At least to me." He turned away again, but Sam called him back once more, indignant.

"Wait, you're not even gonna tell me your name? C'mon, I told you mine!"

"What is this, some sort of 'I showed you mine, you show me yours' exchange? Damn, Sammy, didn't know you swung that way."

Sam flushed, sputtering. The kid had a gleam in his eye, part humor and part mockery. "What? No! No, I just -" Sam heaved a deep breath, trying to calm down. The boy must have seen him struggling and finally took mercy.

"Gabriel, okay? My name's Gabriel," the kid - Gabriel - said. Sam smiled and stuck out his hand for Gabriel to shake. Gabriel eyed it warily, before reaching forward and grabbing Sam's hand. His palm was slightly sweaty, and the boys released each other after a short moment.

"So, Gabriel, why'd you stop Dirk from pounding me?" Sam asked, genuinely curious. There was really no reason for Gabriel to have helped him; Sam was the new kid at school, and therefore easy pickings for the bullies. Gabriel shrugged in response, taking an Airhead out of his pocket and beginning to chew on it.

"Dirk's a dick - someone had to stand up to him at some point. Thanks to you, it ended up being sooner rather than later." Gabriel smirked, finishing off the Airhead. "'Bout time he got a taste of his own medicine."

Sam chuckled at that, agreeing. He glanced at the clock. "Crap - I'm late to third. Dang it!" He quickly grabbed his book bag and said a hasty goodbye to Gabriel. Hurrying down the hallway, he turned back and looked to where Gabriel had been standing. All he could see was the boy's back as he sauntered away, hands in his pockets. An empty Airhead wrapper was the only other thing that remained in the hallway.

~~

||January 2014 - present||

Gabriel looks at his drink, eyes cast downward and hand trembling slightly. He grips the glass tighter, and the shaking stops. He knocks the drink back and slides it over to the bartender, silently asking for a refill. The bartender, a spry youth whose hair is styled into a mullet, gives him an assessing look, coupled with a slight raise of his eyebrows, before pouring him another glass and making a little tick on a napkin.

He takes a small sip; he didn't come here specifically to get drunk - _yeah, right, who do you think you're fooling, Gabe_ \- and he doesn't fancy the walk home if he is just going to be stumbling the whole way. He stares at the clock over the bar, groaning as he realizes that he has class in about 5 hours.

"Shit," he mutters, dropping his head into his arms. He knows that coming to Harvelle's had been a bad idea; it’s the only bar in town that never cards anyone, and the only one that stays open past 1 AM. This pretty much means that Gabriel has no reason to stop drinking or leave. Aside from the fact that he has classes tomorrow - shit, today - he sees no reason to leave his impromptu safe haven where he can simply - forget.

His night wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be over on Seventh, partying it up with the kids in Phi Delta Phi and Alpha Omega. Not drowning his sorrows into a half-full glass of Jack, wondering how it all went wrong.

With a sigh, Gabriel watches the bartender go over to serve other customers, a couple sitting close with hands linked. The male leans over to whisper something in the girl’s ear, causing her to chuckle and swat him lightly with a hand. The guy laughs again, putting an arm around her and pulling her closer.

~~

||July 2012||

"C'mon, Samsquatch, it’ll be fun. Just me, you, and a car," Gabriel leered, eyeing Sam up and down. Sam rolled his eyes, used to Gabriel’s antics. He turned the car on and started driving.

"Gabriel, I’m not stealing my brother’s car just to go road tripping with you," Sam said. "First off, he’d shank my ass, and then bring me back to life to do it again. Second, I don’t have the patience to spend forever in a car with only you for company." Sam grinned then, letting Gabriel know he was kidding.

"Aw, Sammy, I’m hurt. And all this time I thought we had something special."

Sam reached over and swatted Gabriel, laughing slightly. “Oh, c’mon, Gabe, you know you’re my best friend. Stop bitching.” He turned onto Gabriel’s road, pulling up to the mansion on the right. “Still can’t believe you live here, man.”

Gabriel smiled. “You get used to it. Still picking me up tomorrow for the movies?”

Sam nodded. "It's weird that you’re older than me and you still don’t have a car. Isn’t your family loaded or something?”

"Well, yeah, but they don’t really just give us stuff. Mike had to save for a year to buy his car, Luke kinda… appropriated his, and Castiel walks everywhere, except for when your brother gives him rides to class."

"So why don’t you?"

"Why don’t I what? Walk everywhere? Sounds tiring, no thanks."

Sam shot him a glare. He gestured to the car, a big sweeping motion. “No, asshole, why don't you get your own car?”

Gabriel patted Sam’s arm patronizingly. “Because why would I waste my own money when I have my own personal transportation system right here?” He dodged the hit Sam aimed at his arm, chuckling, and got out of the car. He waved as Sam drove away, letting his arm slowly fall as Sam drove out of sight.

 _Best friend. Right,_ Gabriel thought. _Just friends_.

~~

||present||

Gabriel turns away from the couple, throat tight. He takes a deep drink from the glass in his hands, resolving that it will be his last one. The couple is still softly laughing, and Gabriel can't deal with it. He can hear the soft whispers that permeate their conversation, and he stands up to leave.

A couple of bills are thrown onto the counter to pay for the drinks, and Gabriel stumbles out of the bar. It's snowing a bit, the flakes sticking to the ground. Gabriel pulls his coat tighter around himself, shivering. He sets off down the sidewalk, deciding to go through the park instead of calling a taxi.

The night looks beautiful, soft light coming from the crescent moon overhead. Gabriel walks with his hands in his pockets and his head turned down, blocking the snow. He hears a ringing to his left. Glancing over, he sees the chimes being blown by the wind. A small smile creeps onto his face.

~~

||November 2008||

"Twenty bucks says you won't hit it."

"Oh, Sammy, where's the faith?"

Gabriel packed the snow into a ball, throwing it up into the air and catching it in his palm. Sam looked over to where the chimes stand, moving gently in the breeze. He glanced at Gabriel's snowball dubiously, eyes darting between the two.

"Dude, the chimes are like 50-some yards away. You're not gonna hit it. It's just - it's not possible."

Gabriel let the snowball fly. There was a distinct jangling sound coming from the chimes. "Fuck yeah! Toldja!" Gabriel cried, fist punching up into the air. Sam clapped slowly, mouth turning up at one end.

"Double or nothing you can't do it again."

"Oh, ye of little faith. Watch and learn, Gigantor."

There's another clanging after Gabriel throws the snowball. Gabriel jumped up, yelling, "Suck on that, Sam!"

Sam shook his head fondly, face lighting up. He grabbed a handful of snow and began shaping it into a ball. Satisfied, he glanced over at Gabriel and smirked.

"Just cause I can't hit things 50 yards away doesn't mean I can't hit things right ... here!" Sam yelled, pegging Gabriel in the cheek. He hauled off in the other direction, extra-long legs giving him more distance. Gabriel stood there gaping after Sam's retreating back, unable to react.

"You fucker," Gabriel whispered, mouth curling up into a reluctantly appreciative smile. Letting out a whoop, he grabbed a large armful of snow and chased after Sam, throwing snowballs as he ran.

~~

||present||

Gabriel feels the smile slip off his face. These days, neither of them come to the park and just chill out. They're too busy with college, and now it's just…awkward. Ever since New Year's...

Gabriel pushes the thought out of his mind, instead walking over to the wind chimes and brushing them lightly with his fingers. Instead of the metallic clanging sound he remembers from his teenage years, they give off a clear, bright tone, making the falling snow seem more mystical.

Turning away from the chimes, Gabriel begins to walk away. The park itself is just a flurry of reminders rolled into one - that field, where they played baseball and Frisbee and soccer and whatever else, as long as no one got hurt; the pseudo-water park, where Sam slipped and had to get 18 stitches in his chin; the old tree they did homework under ever since they met back in elementary school - these moments, these memories... Gabriel's reminding himself that they can't just be erased.

He knows that if he walks by that tree he'll see the spot where they carved their initials - S.W. + G.N.- into the bark, because they could, and he considers walking by just to see if it's peeled off by now. He glances at the top of the tree, noticing how much higher it's grown since middle school.

Sam had tried to climb it once back in seventh grade, and had ended up with a broken wrist for his troubles. Gabriel chuckles - Sam had been absolutely unbearable for those two months, insisting that he help with everything, that no, his wrist didn't hurt, of course not - Gabriel had wanted to punch him half the time just to get him to shut up.

He shakes his head, trying to dislodge the feelings of abandonment and guilt from rising up again, attempting to destroy him from the inside out. He grins brokenly, thinking that he would give anything to be able to listen to Sam's complaining again. He runs his fingers against the ice-cold iron bench that sits on the path, tilting his head.

~~

||February 2011||

Gabriel was looking around the park, searching for Sam. His text had only said to get there quickly, nothing more. There was no sign of him anywhere, and Gabriel was getting more than just a little worried.

Gabriel didn't run to the park. He didn't. His breathing was slowing down and the sweat stains were drying up, so no one could actually prove it.

He glanced to his left and saw a familiar mop of dark hair near the old park bench, the one that was dedicated to some old dead guy who had donated a lot of money back in the day. He jogged over - technically not running - and grabbed Sam's shoulder.

Sam jumped, turning around.

Gabriel smirked, holding both of his hands up in a placating gesture. He simply shrugged, then asked, "So what's the emergency?"

"Tomorrow's your birthday."

"Yeah, I'm aware. And?"

"You're turning 16."

"Thank you, Sherlock. Anything else obvious you wanna point out before I go?"

Sam blushed, looking sheepish. He scratched the back of his neck, avoiding Gabriel's eyes. "Well, uh... I didn't actually get you anything."

"Sam, that's fine, I don't expect you to -"

"No, no, it's not fine. But, see, it's not that I forgot - I just, I didn't have the money to get you what I really wanted to. So, I came up with this idea instead." Sam shoved a piece of paper at Gabriel, still avoiding his eyes. Gabriel took the paper warily, glancing down at the small, ripped sheet.

"Sam, I don't - what?" But Sam had disappeared. Gabriel looked around, trying to spot his hair. Either he'd taken off really damn fast, or he'd just covered up well. Gabriel shook his head, leaning back into the iron bench. He peeled open the paper, reading the words.

**Meet me at the treehouse, 7:00. Don't be late.**

Gabriel looked up, confused, hoping to see Sam right there to answer his questions about the message. It wasn't cryptic or anything - the treehouse just meant the treehouse, the one they built the summer after they met, and 7:00 wasn't that hard to understand. He tucked the paper into his pocket and sauntered off.

\--

"Sam? Sam, you up there?" Gabriel whispered, standing at the bottom of the treehouse ladder. "Sam, I swear to God, I did not hike over to this damn tree house through the fucking snow just for you to not be here."

Gabriel looked up into the treehouse, trying to see if any lights were on inside it. "Fuck it, I'm coming up."

He climbed the ladder warily, wondering why Sam wasn't answering. Halfway up he heard a whispered hiss from the treehouse and froze.

"Gabe! Wait a second, okay?" Sam's voice floated out of the closed trap door, causing Gabriel to roll his eyes and bang on the tree trunk.

"Sam! It's 10 degrees out, let me up!"

After a couple more moments, Gabriel heard a muffled, "Okay, you're good!", from Sam. Muttering under his breath about stupid giant best friends with stupid plans and stupid treehouses, he climbed the rest of the ladder and pushed open the trapdoor.

His jaw dropped when his head poked through the slats in the wood.

There were about 5 balloons in the room, along with lights that Sam had just flicked on. There was a giant cake sitting on the table in the middle of the room, and small bowls of candy interspersed throughout the room. Gabriel stared in awe, eyes darting from one thing to another. On the floor lay two sleeping bags, strategically placed in front of the TV.

Gabriel whistled. "Damn, Samsquatch, don't get me a gift every year. This is amazing!" He grabbed a handful of M&M's from the nearest bowl and shoved them into his mouth. "But why the sleeping bags - I thought it was too cold to sleep up here?"

Sam looked ridiculously proud of himself and pointed to the machine in the corner. "Electric blankets and a space heater. And about 20 other blankets on top of that. Just in case."

"Sam, this is - this is one of the best gifts anyone has ever given me. Thanks."

"You deserve it, Gabe." Sam's eyes were bright, hands gripping his legs hard, as if worried Gabriel wouldn't have liked it.

Gabriel turned around slowly, absorbing the scene. He glanced at Sam, who had a shy smile lighting up his face. Gabriel smiled back hugely, touched that anyone would go to this distance for him. Walking over to Sam, he gripped him in a giant bear hug and didn't let go. Tentatively, Sam's arm's came around him as well, and Gabriel allowed himself to relax.

Pulling away, Gabriel cleared his throat and surreptitiously wiped at his eyes. "So, kiddo, what are we doing up here?"

Sam held up two DVD cases, shaking them and tossing them to Gabriel. "Indiana Jones or Harry Potter. Your call. It is your birthday, after all."

Gabriel tossed them back to Sam, chuckling. "You should know the answer by now."

Sam glanced down, and Gabriel looked at Sam out of the corner of his eye. Sam was smiling, looking down at the DVDs, too engrossed in the cover art to notice Gabriel staring. Gabriel felt one side of his mouth move into what seemed to be a fond grin, before coming to his senses and letting the smile fall.

"Indiana Jones. No question," Gabriel declared, collapsing onto the couch below him and putting his feet up on the coffee table. Sam put the DVD in and then joined him on the couch. It was so small and narrow that their sides were pressed together, shoulder to calf. Gabriel sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm himself. No big deal, he thought. Just ignore it, it'll go away.

Gabriel tried to focus on the movie, pretending that he couldn't feel the hard line of Sam's body pressed up next to him.He got sucked into the explosions and close calls of Indiana Jones, eventually ending up with him grabbing Sam's arm when the rock seemed to crush Indy.

Hours passed as they watched the entire series, and before he knew it, Gabriel was being shaken awake by Sam. His head was on a comfortable, if slightly pointy, pillow, and he curled tighter into the soft heat he could feel. Gabriel heard a chuckle come from somewhere above his head, and then felt his head being gently nudged.

"Gabriel. Wake up. Gabe."

Gabriel blinked, sitting up. He saw Sam sitting next to him, small smile on his face. "What - what time is it?"

"11:58."

Gabriel smiled, crossing his legs on the couch and turning to face Sam. Sam turned as well, a soft look in his eyes.

Grabbing the candy bowl from the side table, Gabriel stuffed some chocolate-covered peanuts into his mouth so he wouldn't say anything sappy or pathetic. Or girly.

But Sam's smile had always been his undoing; so, swallowing the nuts, he gripped Sam's forearm and looked him in the eyes.

"Thanks, Sam. This is - this is amazing."

"You deserved it." Sam grinned full-out, then shoved Gabriel's shoulder. Glancing at the clock, Sam turned back toward Gabriel. "Ten seconds."

"Nine. Eight."

"Seven. Six."

"Five. Four."

"Three. Two."

"One."

An alarm rang out through the treehouse, quickly silenced by Sam. He leaned forward and put his arms around Gabriel, tucking his head into Gabriel's neck.

"Happy birthday, Gabe."

Gabriel hugged back, gripping the back of Sam's jacket tightly. They remained like that for a few seconds, Gabriel breathing in the scent of Sam and taking comfort from the hug.

He pulled back slowly, face still mere inches from Sam's. Gabriel's eyes flicked down to Sam's lips, red and curved upward.

He wanted to kiss him.

Gabriel leaned in slowly, eyes starting to close. Sam was staring at Gabriel, not moving backwards as Gabriel leaned in. They were centimeters away.

A loud crash sounded outside, and Sam and Gabriel sprang apart. Sam chuckled sheepishly, looking up at Gabriel through his fringe. Gabriel looked away and blushed, berating himself in his head. Pinching his skin, he moved off the couch and into the sleeping bag.

"Well, thanks for everything, Sam. It was awesome," Gabriel said brightly, closing his eyes. He heard a soft sigh come from the couch, followed by a weak, "Sleep well."

~~

||present||

His fingers slip from the iron, and Gabriel turns away from the bench, continuing to walk down the park path. Looking back, he realizes just how many opportunities he was given. And how many times he blew it. With a self-deprecating chuckle, he kicks at a small snow bank and watches as the snow settles onto the sidewalk.

Tucking his chin into the collar of his coat, Gabriel hurries out of the park and heads for home. Class is only about 4 hours away now, and Gabriel curses. There's no way he's gonna make it in today.

He looks both ways and jogs across Main, the chill in the air having cleared some of the alcohol from his system. There's a breeze, crisp and harsh, that buffets against his face. His teeth chatter, and he digs his hands into his pockets.

The apartment is only a block away when the storm starts. Gabriel's arm comes up to block his face against the wind and snow and icy chill, and he fumbles for his keys as he dashes toward his apartment. He stumbles into the doorway, pulling open the door to the complex and stamping his feet on the ground.

He trudges up the stairs to his apartment, still shivering. Unlocking the door, he shuffles inside and collapses on the couch, curling up with a blanket he pulled from the floor. He lays there for a minute, debating. With a groan, Gabriel stands up and makes his way to the bedroom, peeling off his clothes and changing into a pair of sweatpants. He crawls into bed and turns off his alarm, falling immediately into a deep sleep.

~~

||December 2012||

It was tradition; whenever Gabriel had gotten a letter back from one of the schools he'd applied to, Sam was the first to know. They always opened them together - that way, if Gabriel got in, there was someone so celebrate with. If he didn't, there was always someone to commiserate with. Win-win, really. Even more so because it was Sam.

So when Gabriel had gone off to college last year (KU, not too far away from home for a quick trip whenever he was missing his family - and Sam - or when he wanted to talk - to Sam- or even just when he was bored - and wanted to see Sam) they'd made alternate plans. This time around was Sam's turn. The agony of waiting, the joy when you got into the school you wanted, the crushing disappointment... Gabriel was still there for him, like Sam had been for Gabriel.

Skype was a godsend.

Whenever Sam got a letter, he'd text Gabriel and they'd have a video chat. Only difference was the computer screen between them. Not that it mattered - Sam had gotten good enough grades to get into any school he wanted. Law school, preferably. And for some reason, he didn't think he was going to get in.

Gabriel disagreed (obviously). He gave more pep talks to Sam over the last year than he ever had before. He'd learned what to say and what not to say, and when it was better to remain silent and let Sam get all his insecurities out before punching him on the arm and building him up again.

So when Sam called him one Tuesday afternoon, freaking out, Gabriel knew how to handle it. Luckily, it was one of the weeks Gabriel had off of school and had come back home to visit.

"Stanford." Sam's voice came over the line, trembling and soft. "The letter came today." There was a slight pause. "I can't open it."

"Treehouse, 20 minutes?"

There was a sharp intake of breath, followed by a whispered, "Thank god."

Gabriel smirked to himself and hung up the phone, hopping onto his motorcycle and speeding down the street. He made it to the field in less than 5 minutes (a record), and quickly scaled the ladder to the treehouse. He expected Sam to have gotten here first, seeing as he lived closer.

As he was thinking this, he heard the low growling of the Impala and the crunching of gravel under her tires. Sam stepped out, fist gripping an envelope tightly. Gabriel threw down the ladder and beckoned for him to come up. They both sat on the couch without a word, Sam's face pale and drawn.

Gabriel was reminded of the last time they were up here, for his 16th, when he and Sam almost - no, no, don't think about that, not the appropriate time -

Sam handed the letter to Gabriel, chocolate eyes boring into golden ones.

"I can't look at it. You open it and tell me what it says, okay?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Sam, just read the damn letter."

"Please?"

Gabriel swore internally. _Damn those puppy-dog eyes, they get me every goddamn time_.

"Fine."

"Thanks," whispered Sam, staring through his fringe at Gabriel, waiting anxiously for the verdict.

_As long as I'm being forced to do this, might as well have a little fun with it._

Gabriel made a big show of opening the letter, asking for a letter opener or a knife and only taking off small pieces at a time. By the end, Sam was all but begging him to open the letter.

Gabriel pulled the papers out, cream-colored and looking so nice that he figured they cost more than his life did. He snorted, already figuring that the school was full of pretentious dicks who would sell their mother out for a few million dollars.

Glancing at the paper, he began to read the first line aloud. "Dear Mr. Samuel Winchester, the college of Stanford -"

"Jesus, Gabe, that's worse, just tell me whether I got in or not!" And, dammit, Sam was still looking at him with those big doe eyes, pleading and begging. Gabriel read ahead silently.

"Sorry, Sam..."

Sam's face fell, and his hands, previously holding tightly onto Gabriel's shoulders, sank to his lap. He didn't make a sound, and Gabriel couldn't see his face.

"... But it looks like you'll be going to school in California."

Sam's head jerked up so fast that Gabriel was surprised he didn't get whiplash. He grabbed for the letter and, after ripping it out of Gabriel's hands, mouthed along to the words in the first sentence. His eyes widened as he read, paper falling out of his grasp and fluttering to the ground.

"Uh, Sam?" Gabriel asked, concerned. "You all good?"

"I - I got in." Sam's voice was weak with shock, and his face was bright enough to light the darkest night.

"I knew you would, kiddo." Gabriel looked at him with unabashed fondness; Sam reached in and grabbed him for a hug. If Gabriel breathed him in and smiled even more, no one was around to notice.

~~

||present||

Gabriel never does make it to his classes that next day. He calls in sick, and the raspy voice and quiet tone sure help it sound more convincing. He is currently half-asleep at the kitchen, despite the multiple cups of coffee and the cold shower. Life is just so - draining, nowadays. Now that everything has changed and he doesn't know where he stands anymore.

Yawning, he rubs at his temples and glances at the clock. 2:37 PM. Mail time.

He walks down the hallway to the elevator, eyes half-closed and breath still reeking. He didn't bother to change, so he's still in the modest pajamas he had thrown on the night before, covered up only partially by a big coat. The mail room is in the basement; his apartment doesn't deliver or keep it at the front desk. Tenants are expected to purchase a P.O. box and manage all their own mail.

Gabriel never gets much mail. It's the same today; a few spam letters and one that looks moderately prestigious. Tossing the spam into the nearest trash bin, he reads over the front of the letter.

Duquesne wants you!, it reads. Gabriel smirks and tosses it aside as well.

"Sorry, you missed the deadline. I chose my college years ago." _And all so I could be closer to Sam. Not travel as much, see him more often. Look how well that turned out. He's in California, I'm stuck in Kansas, and we're not even speaking._

Gabriel sighs. "Stop it," he mutters out loud. "You both made your choices, and you got away so you could move on."

He trudges back up the stairs so he can drink some more.

He drinks until he passes out. Gabriel doesn't remember how he got himself to the bedroom, but the next thing he knows, it's 2:30 AM and he's on a comfy surface, spread out and half-asleep. He rolls onto his side, leaving all questions for the morning, and promptly falls asleep.

~~

||June 2007||

"Woooo! Road trip!!" Gabriel crowed, sticking his head out of the window of the Impala. Sam chuckled, pulling him back inside the car by the sleeve of his coat. Dean rolled his eyes, muttering curses under his breath. Castiel just sat there, slightly shaking his head and grinning at Gabriel in the rearview mirror.

"Don't make me regret bringing you two," Dean growled.

"Please," Sam said. "Mom said you had to bring me and someone else, because you got to bring Cas. And you'd never dare disobey Mom. So Gabriel and I are here, and you can't do anything about it."

Sam and Gabriel high-fived in the backseat, smiling at each other.

"It's gonna be a great weekend!"

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"..."

"Are we there yet now?"

"No!"

"..."

"Are we there-"

"Gabriel, I swear to god, if you don't shut up and stop asking right now, I'm gonna throw you out of this car and leave you behind," Dean growled through clenched teeth, eyeing Gabriel in the mirror.

Gabriel shrank down in his seat, miming zipping his lips together. Sam chuckled softly, earning himself a punch in the arm from a frowning Gabriel. Sam shrugged. Gabriel 'hmmphed' and turned away, looking out the window. Castiel turned the radio up, blasting Dean's music higher in order to fill the silence.

The last hour of the trip passed like this, with Dean singing off-key to Zeppelin's greatest hits, Castiel humming along, and Gabriel trying to sleep for a bit. It was hard, what with Sam's over-large limbs continuously poking at his side.

Eventually, the four boys made it to the cabin safe and sound, no one having killed anyone else. Yet. Dean pulled the car into the makeshift driveway, swearing as he heard the rumbling of rocks under the tire.

"I swear, if my baby's rim is scratched up..."

Gabriel rolled his eyes in the backseat. Castiel simply patted Dean on the arm, and Sam sniggered. When all four of the boys had gotten out and grabbed their luggage, Dean pulled the key out and unlocked the cabin.

"Alright, nerds, me and Cas are taking the rooms down here. You and Gabriel can be upstairs," Dean said, hefting his duffel bag higher on his shoulder.

"Oooh, you just want to share a room with Cas where you won't be disturbed," Gabriel crooned, fist-bumping with Sam. Dean's face turned bright red, and he sputtered, looking around as if searching for backup. When none came, his eyes flitted over to Cas.

"Cas?" He whined. "Nothing? Not even a little denial?"

Castiel merely shrugged, gesturing at the bag in his hands. "I think that Sam and Gabriel are old enough to realize that we only packed one pair of sheets."

Dean face-palmed, a low, "Kill me" coming out muffled from where his palms were smushed into his mouth.

Sam laughed out loud, dodging Dean's fist as it aimed for his shoulder. He tapped Gabriel on the arm and said, "C'mon, I wanna check out our rooms!"

Gabriel smiled at him, poking him in the ribs. "Last one there is a giant dork!"

They raced up the stairs, Dean calling a, "You're both dorks, accept it!", after them as they ran. There were four rooms upstairs: a bathroom (with an awfully small shower, Gabriel thought), a study-like area, and two smaller rooms with beds and dressers.

Sam's longer legs gave him the advantage, but Gabriel tripped him going up the stairs to try and even the balance. Didn't work all that well; Sam still got there seconds before Gabriel did. He claimed the room that faced the lake, declaring that he liked the view better. Gabriel went off into the other room, dumping his stuff onto the small camp bed and opening the window.

The view was breathtaking.

West Virginia was beautiful on a daily basis, but nothing compared to the sight of rolling mountains covered in every shade of yellow, orange, and red ever seen. There was a slight mist transcending over the mountains, giving everything an ethereal air. The breeze fluttered the curtains, smelling of earth and crisp leaves. Gabriel inhaled, closing his eyes and allowing his lips to pull up at the side.

"Whatcha doing there, Gabe?"

The voice came from somewhere near Gabriel's left shoulder, and as he jumped, startled, his back came into contact with a hard chest. Gabriel cocked his head to see who was behind him, wondering how he hadn't heard them coming in.

It was Sam. He was looking out of the window with awe in his eyes, lips slightly parted. Gabriel resisted the urge to reach up and touch them. Instead, he turned away, watching as the breeze picked up, causing the mountains to look as though they were waving with color. Gabriel leaned back unconsciously, settling against Sam's chest. Ever since Sam had outgrown him at camp, he'd been the perfect height for Gabriel to rest against, back-to-chest. Sam's chest was warm and solid, proof that he worked out weekly at their local gym.

Sam shifted behind him, causing Gabriel to almost lose his balance and topple to the floor. To cover up the awkward moment, he coughed and stepped away, putting most of his weight on his arms resting on the windowsill. There was a slight breath of air and his hair shifted, gently tickling his forehead.

There was a low whistle from behind him. "Damn, seems I picked the wrong room. This is great, Gabe."

Gabriel nodded silently, not trusting his voice to not come out cracked and soft. He turned away from the window and caught Sam looking at him with a fond smile on his face. He looked around him, expecting to see something that could have summarily captured Sam's attention.

"What are you staring at?"

"You."

"Uh... I'm flattered, Sam, really, but... why?"

"The setting sun - the way you're facing and the way it's seeping into the room - it makes you look like you're an angel with a halo," Sam explained. His smile turned mischievous. "Of course, I know for a fact that you're no angel. Too pranky and shit."

"Damn straight."

Sam shoved at Gabriel's arm, causing him to stumble sideways onto the bed. Immediately afterward, Sam started apologizing, helping Gabriel up and brushing him off.

"I'm fine. Sam, really. I fell onto a bed, how much damage could it have done?"

Sam chuckled and turned away, calling a, "The lake looks freezing, let's go in it later", over his shoulder.

"Hell no, Winchester. Couldn't get me in there for anything."

Sam paused in the doorway, smirking. "Not even a three-tier chocolate cake?"

Gabriel gasped, making grabby hands toward Sam. "You do not have one."

Sam shrugged. "Stopped by Missouri's last night - she had just baked a couple for Jo and her friends."

"I love that woman."

"So, lake tonight?"

Gabriel eyed Sam. "Chocolate cake, you said?"

"Yepp."

"Fuck. I'm in."

Sam's smile was blinding. Gabriel was screwed.

~~

"No! Sam! No, no, you can't - you can't leave me, goddammit! You can't - Jesus fuck, Sam, please!"

~~

||present||

Gabriel wakes up in a sweat, solitary tear making its way down his cheek. He draws in a shuddery breath, sitting up and leaning against the backboard of his bed. Pulling his knees up, he rests his head on the crook of his arms, bending over and hugging his knees. He's still trembling from the after effects of the dream.

Every night Gabriel has dreams - well, nightmares. They start out innocent enough. He and Sam would be doing something, something from before. Playing in the park, chilling in the treehouse, eating lunch in school together; all the memories that Gabriel could never forget, and the ones Sam never felt the need to remember.

This particular nightmare had featured Sam in a starring role as usual. They'd been up at the lake house, the cabin they hadn't been to since that February.

They'd talked and everything, and had been out on the lake when everything'd gone wrong. Sam got pulled under by something, some current that couldn't be felt. Gabriel had to pull him out from under the lake and drag him to shore, roughly 65 yards away.

They made it to the shore, but Sam hadn't been breathing when they got there. Gabriel tried everything he knew - CPR, mouth-to-mouth, even praying - and nothing had worked. He had collapsed against Sam's chest and sobbed, gripping his coat until his knuckles cracked.

Until Gabriel woke up, trembling and sweating, tangled in the sheets.

These nightmares have become commonplace ever since New Year's. Castiel thinks they're from God, sending a message, indicating that it is time for Gabriel to move on and forget.

Gabriel thinks that Castiel is a fucker who doesn't know what he's talking about.

He glances at the clock to his left - 4:30 AM. Swearing, he pulls himself out of bed and walks into his kitchen. Grabbing a glass, he pours himself a Coke and Captain, downing half of it in one go.

The alcohol doesn't get rid of the pain, but it's enough just to numb it for now. At least it's a Saturday.

"What the hell," Gabriel mutters. "It's five o'clock somewhere." Grabbing his drink, he shuffles over to the couch and switches the TV on. He knows he won't get any sleep after this, so he flicks aimlessly through the channels, hoping to find one mindless show that would pull his mind away from the events of the night.

He shudders. Tonight's nightmare had been worse than ever.

He pushes it from his mind, turning back to the TV.

Dr. Sexy, some Japanese game show, infomercials, and sitcoms. He stays and watches the sitcoms for a bit, hoping that the mindless entertainment will distract him.

It doesn't work. But Gabriel's best at avoidance and denial, so he makes some excuses to himself and brushes the terror from his mind.

~~

||May 2005||

  


It was a Saturday afternoon; Gabriel was lying on the floor of the treehouse, relaxing in the single beam of sunlight coming in through the window. He heard a tap come from the trapdoor, and he rolled over, calling out a, "Who's there?"

"It's me!" Sam called up, banging on the door again.

"Nah, not sure I believe you, Sam-I-Am. Prove it."

There was a groan from the door. "God, Gabriel, you know it's me," Sam complained.

"I'm waiting," Gabriel sung, tapping out a rhythm on the wooden slats.

"Fine. And stop calling me Sam-I-Am. It's dumb." There's a slight pause. "Last spring you painted a clown statue and hid it under my bed, then camped out in the closet, waiting for me to find it. And then when I did, you got a picture of me screaming and jumping back. Which you still use as blackmail."

"Damn straight." Gabriel chuckled, unlocking the door. Sam climbed through, bitchface firmly in place. Gabriel scooted over, making room for him. They both leaned against the couch, enjoying the slight breeze that came from the open door. Lawrence was at record highs this month, climbing steadily to the 90's and staying there for the past week. Both boys were dripping, and they daren't touch each other, maintaining a cool distance.

"So, Sammich. Why'd you tell me to hustle on over here at this time of night?"

"Gabriel, it's four in the afternoon."

"Semantics. Answer the question."

Sam's fingers twitched nervously, beating out an uneven melody against his thigh. He pulled a sheet of paper out of his short's pocket, flattened it out, and held it out to Gabriel without a word.

"Camp Riverside? What's this?"

"Application for a summer camp. It's about an hour or so away from here, and it goes from July to mid-August. Six weeks."

"And you're showing me this because...?"

There was a soft sigh that came from somewhere near Gabriel's side, and Sam leaned over and exaggeratedly pointed to his own name at the top of the paper.

"Wait - you wanna go to this camp? Why?" Gabriel questioned, reading over the pamphlet. "Looks like the only 'learning experience' you'll be getting is how to manage life with bug bites everywhere and how not to row a canoe."

Sam rolled his eyes, shoving at Gabriel. "It looks great, actually. We'll be hiking, swimming, learning how to pitch tents, outdoorsy stuff like that."

"And I ask again - why are you telling me this?"

"Because I thought maybe you'd wanna come with me, y'know, seeing as it's over the entire summer."

"Thanks but no thanks, Sammy. Little too Boy Scout for me. I prefer to lay around near a pool with a minimum bug count."

Sam shrugged, looking away. "It's your choice. So what're you gonna do while I'm off at Boy Scout land?"

"Sleep, probably. Go to parties, live it up, do some drugs... that whole deal," Gabriel said, waving a hand in the air to indicate that the matter was inconsequential. "I'll survive."

"Yeah, bullshit; you're gonna hang around all day playing video games. I'll come back and you'll hiss at the sunlight when I drag your ass outside."

"Maybe. Maybe not. Bigger question is you. How are you gonna stand six weeks without my glowing presence?"

Sam snorted. "Somehow, I think I'll manage."

"You keep telling yourself that. When you wake up a week in missing me, remember that it'll be your fault."

They both chuckled, Gabriel shoving Sam back. The light threw patterns onto the wall of the treehouse, a dappled light that encased everything in a soft glow. The sun was setting, and Sam and Gabriel simply sat there together, taking comfort in one another's presence.

Gabriel broke the silence not long before he had to leave. "Surprised your old man is letting you go. Normally you'd have to stay pretty close to home."

"My mom worked on him for me. It's hilarious; he's strict as hell but one look from my mom and he's putty. He gave in, so I started the application."

"Your mom is a badass. Did you know that?" Mary Winchester was the mom every kid wanted; young, not too strict, and wanted the best for her kids. She would batter down a gunman with her stare, and with one smile she could make you feel like you were better than the world. Gabriel went around Sam's house daily just to see her; Lord knows his mom didn't measure up.

Twilight fell, and both boys left to go to their respective homes. Watching Sam go, Gabriel thought about what had just happened. He didn't actually know what he would do, now that Sam wouldn't be there that summer. Gabriel had played cavalier earlier that evening, pretending that Sam's leaving (even if it was only temporary) hadn't brought his mood down. He locked up the door and set off toward home, hands swinging loosely at his sides, and tried not to think too hard.

~~

||August 2005||

Gabriel sat under the treehouse, back against the rough bark of the tree. He was picking the grass and throwing it into the wind. Sweeping his hair out of his eyes, he glanced toward the road again.

"Dammit," he cursed. Sam was supposed to be back an hour ago. They'd agreed to meet at the treehouse and catch up when Sam got back, seeing as they'd been separated for the past six weeks.

Gabriel had done exactly as Sam predicted: sat in his basement playing video games, until the point when Castiel had come down and taken him out to the candy shop. After that Gabriel was outside more, whether it was chilling with Ash and Brody or just sitting out by the pool over at Bobby and Ellen's place with their daughter Jo and her friends.

Gabriel shredded a leaf in his palm, anxious. He glanced once more toward the horizon and was relieved to see a familiar black car stirring up the dust on the road. It pulled up next to the treehouse, and Dean rolled down the window, calling out a greeting to Gabriel.

"Hey, sorry, we got laid up, Sammy got interrogated by Mom and Dad the minute he got home. I drove him over ASAP. Just wait till you see Gigantor over here."

The passenger door opened up and Sam stepped out. He'd filled out over the summer, and he'd grown about a foot too. Gabriel whistled; camp had obviously been good to Sam. He wasn't just some lanky midget anymore. He had defined muscles, well, everywhere, and the added height forced him to look down at Gabriel.

Sam bent down, muttering to Dean through the open window. He got a loud guffaw to whatever he had said, and then Dean drove off, waving. Sam strode over to Gabriel, grinning and wrapping him up in a tight hug. Gabriel squeezed back, face pressed into Sam's chest. He chuckled a bit, and Sam pulled back.

"What?" Sam asked, concerned look on his face.

"Well, fucker, you weren't supposed to grow taller than me over the summer. How'm I supposed to muss up your hair now? I can barely reach!" In a valiant effort, Gabriel stretched up and tried to ruffle Sam's hair. Sam easily dodged it with a laugh, swatting away Gabriel's hand. He gave Gabriel a soft smile, then gestured toward the treehouse.

"I missed you," Sam said, turning to walk toward the treehouse. Gabriel threw a fond look at Sam's back before following him to the treehouse.

Scaling the ladder, they both made it in, Gabriel sitting on the floor and Sam sitting on the small armchair Gabriel had carted up there. They looked at each other, neither sure where to start.

Sam broke the silence first.

"So, what'd you do while I was gone?"

"Oh, you know - parties, drugs, sex..."

Sam snorted. "Yeah, okay. How far'd you get on Luigi's Mansion?"

Gabriel shrugged. "Beat it. And set all the records in Medal of Honor. No big deal. Hung around with Jo and Ash a bit too. They're cool.

"What about you, Samsquatch? How was life in the wild? Did you kill a bear with your bare hands? Learn to filet a fish? How many bug bites do you have?"

Chuckling, Sam pulled up his sleeve and pointed to his arm. "At last count it was about 20 on this arm alone." He absentmindedly scratched at his leg on a phantom bite. "My high was 87 on my whole body."

Gabriel whistled. "And what else?"

"Nothing much, it was great. Although we had to get up and run every morning at 6. Won't miss that. At least I'll be in shape for soccer season now, though." Sam smiled at Gabriel. "You would have loved the mess hall. Every kind of desert you could have ever wanted."

"They should have advertised that in the pamphlet. Damn, I would've gone in a heartbeat."

The sounds of an approaching car filled the treehouse, and a long beep sounded outside. Gabriel looked out the open window and groaned.

"Luke's here to pick me up and get home. My dad really started cracking down on curfews a couple days after you left," Gabriel explained, casting a regretful glance toward Sam. "Sorry, man."

"Hey, it's okay," Sam replied, patting Gabriel on the back. "We can finish tomorrow. My place, round noon?"

Gabriel nodded and, at another impatient set of beeps from his brother's car, rolled his eyes and started down the ladder. He called out a, "See you!" up to Sam and dashed to the Acura sitting outside, not daring to make his brother wait any longer.

~~

||December 31st, 2013||

"Sam Winchester, as I live and breathe. Been forever, man."

"Ash! Hey! Didn't know you were gonna be here. Haven't seen you in a long time. What've you been doing?"

"The bar's mine, man. When Ellen passed away a couple months ago, she left it to me. Swore she'd haunt my ass if I let it crumble."

"Sounds like Ellen."

"Anyway, you better get in there, dude. Someone's been waiting for you."

"Really? Who? No one even knew I was gonna make it back for the party."

"You'll see."

\--

Gabriel had been watching the door for the past hour, waiting for Sam to show up. Mary had told him that Sam was coming back for the holidays, and she had promised to make him go to the party at Harvelle's that night. He was anxious, tapping his half full glass against the stained wood of the bar.

_I'm telling him tonight._

He checked his watch. 7:02 PM.

The door opened. Gabriel turned around, seeking out who had just come in. He sighed; it was just Jo, coming in to take her shift at the Roadhouse. He turned back toward the bar, eyes cast downward. He smirked a little, trying to not let the anxiety get to him. His taps sped up.

7:04 PM.

He signaled Ash to grab him another drink and slid out of the bench to make a quick bathroom run. He got in there and relieved himself quickly, remembering that he left his phone in the open at the table. After washing his hands and tossing the paper towel, he strode out of the bathroom and back to his table. Glancing to the side, he did a double-take. There, in all his glory, was Sam, just as tall as Gabriel remembered. He was chatting it up with Ash, who was laughing at something Sam was telling him.

Sam straightened and clapped Ash's shoulder, who leaned in and whispered something in his ear. Sam turned around, grinning, eyes scanning the room. His eyes fell on Gabriel, and he smiled wider, walking through the throng of people on the dance floor to get to Gabriel.

Gabriel was enveloped in a bear hug, smelling aftershave and the scent of freshly made pies. Sam was holding him tightly, and he let himself relax into the grip. The room burst into commotion as more people recognized Sam, and Gabriel was pushed aside as others clamored to see him. Sam shot an apologetic look to Gabriel, still exchanging hugs with friends. Gabriel smiled indulgently and waved Sam on.

The tables around the room were vacated as Sam was flooded with well-wishers. It made the room look strangely empty, everyone bundled in one corner of the Roadhouse. Gabriel sat himself down in a spare chair and took a sip of his drink, waiting for the crowd around Sam to die down. Ten minutes later the throng had mostly dissipated, leaving Sam sitting at a table surrounded by Andy, Aaron, and Barry. He was smiling, answering questions enthusiastically. The lights of the bar played off his skin, making it look like he was glowing. Gabriel tilted his head, soft smile making its own way, unbidden, onto his face. He stood up and walked over to where Sam was sitting, making his way through the crowd on the dance floor. Dancers moved around him as he walked, heart beating in time with the music.

"Hey, Sam, can we talk?" Gabriel asked, fiddling with the sleeve of his shirt. He glanced away from Sam, focusing on the grains in the wooden floor.

Sam looked confused, but agreed. He gazed around the group and left with a, "Excuse me, guys, I'll be right back." Gabriel motioned for Sam to follow him with a flick of his wrist, and ambled on down the hallway of the bar until they reached stairs. They both climbed the stairs, reaching an open ballroom-like area, deserted and quiet. Two chairs had been placed in the middle of the room, facing each other under the large chandelier. Gabriel went and sat in one, Sam following suit.

Gabriel waited while Sam glanced around the room. He turned back to look at Gabriel, confusion evident in his eyes. Wiping his sweaty palms against his legs, Gabriel opened his mouth to speak.

"Uh, Sam, I don't, I don't really know how to say this..." Gabriel trailed off, scratching the back of his head. He turned his head away, biting his lip. Sam stood there, head tilted, hand reaching out to grab Gabriel's arm. Gabriel stiffened when Sam grabbed his arm, closing his eyes tightly.

"Fuck it," Gabriel muttered, turning back to face Sam with resolve. He grabbed Sam's shirt and tugged, pulling him down and pressing their lips together. He pushed in closer, feeling the hard line of Sam's body against his. The sound from the party below faded away as Gabriel kissed Sam, and he curled his fingers tighter into Sam's collar. When the stiff line of Sam's back didn't loosen, Gabriel backed off, pulling away from Sam and forcing his hands to his sides.

Sam was just standing there, arms half-raised as though he had been about to either pull Gabriel closer or shove him away. There was shock in his eyes, and his lips glistened in the candlelight. His mouth moved silently, eyes darting side to side.

Gabriel could hear the blood rushing in his ears, and he backed up further. The noise of the party rushed in, breaking Gabriel out of his frozen state. The noise prompted him to move, and he raced down the stairs, heart rushing.

The party was in full flow still; Gabriel cast unseeing eyes toward the table in the corner where Andy, Jo, Ash, and Barry were sitting. He could feel the pressure building up behind his eyelids, and dug frantically through the coatroom until he found his jacket. The light flickered. He tugged the jacket on and stumbled to the door.

Crossing his arms against the cold wind, Gabriel escaped from the bar, throat closing up. He could feel his eyes burning, but he refused to let the tears fall. Not yet. The air was freezing, chilling Gabriel's skin immediately.

He hunched in more upon himself, tucking his chin into the collar of his coat. Halfway down the street, he stopped. There, just visible through the layer of snow on the sidewalk, was the place where he and Sam had carved their initials into the half-dry cement late one Friday night when they were drunk and delirious. He reached down and touched it gently, before covering it up fully with snow.

Turning away, Gabriel wiped his face with a cold palm. He could hear the music from the bar even still, and he tried to push away the thought of Sam walking back to the party and forgetting what had just happened.

Of course, because God has a personal vendetta against him, he glanced back, only to see light spill out onto the street from the bar's open door. A tall figure came stumbling out, almost slipping on the black ice in front of the building. Gabriel would know that figure anywhere; it was Sam.

He tried to hurry away, not wanting to face up to anything and deal with more awkward conversations over topics he didn't want to think about. But Sam came chasing after him, calling out and running. Gabriel stopped, back to Sam. The crunch of Sam's shoes upon the pavement halted, and a hand reached out and lightly landed on Gabriel's shoulder.

Gabriel flinched before freezing, not daring to move. He could feel the tension in the silence between Sam and him. After what seemed like a millennium, Sam heaved a heavy sigh.

"What was that, Gabriel?"

"What was what?" Gabriel asked, affecting an air of nonchalance. He was surprised his voice didn't crack at all.

"You know what. Why did you kiss me?" Sam asked, pulling on Gabriel's shoulder to try and turn him around.

Gabriel refused to look Sam in the eye. Remaining silent, he stared to the right, only turning to Sam when he gave a groan of frustration and grabbed Gabriel's arm.

"What, Sam?" Gabriel snapped. "Obviously, you don't feel the same way, so there's literally no point in this conversation! Why don't you just go back to the party, you're not home for long anyway!"

"Feel the same - Gabriel, I'm not leaving, so just explain to me why you kissed me!" Sam yelled, throwing his arm up in a grand gesture. "I mean, c'mon, man, you can't just drop that kind of bomb on me and then disappear!"

Gabriel snorted. "Well, you weren't reciprocating, so there really wasn't any point in me sticking around, was there?"

Sam gaped, before recovering and glaring at Gabriel with flint in his eyes. "Hm, I dunno, Gabe, maybe if your best friend of ten fucking years kissed you, you might be a little taken aback! Hence the lack of response!"

Gabriel sniffled and turned away, refusing to fall for Sam again. He gave a dark chuckle. "Yeah, well, you would have probably shoved me off if you hadn't been in shock. So really, the point is still moot. I - I kissed you, you froze, and I ran. Good for us. Now, can you please let go of my jacket so I can go home and pretend nothing happened?"

Obviously, the alcohol was still in Gabriel's system, causing him to blurt out things that should have been left unsaid. He winced and turned away, not wanting to see the pity and disgust that was bound to be on Sam's face.

"Gabriel..." Sam's hand loosened up on the sleeve of his coat, but didn't fully let go. "Listen, Gabe, you're my best friend. And I -"

Gabriel cut him off with a dry chuckle that sounded more like a sob. "Really, Sam, the 'we're just friends' speech? I think I'm more than capable of figuring out your feelings myself."

Sam stopped talking, biting his lip and staring at Gabriel. Running his hand through his hair, he shook his head.

"I just - I don't understand."

"God, Sam! Do I have to spell it out for you?" Gabriel said.

Sam crossed his arms and looked at Gabriel, not budging.

"Just - just let it go, okay? It didn't mean anything," Gabriel muttered, staring at the ground.

"Really? Because that - whatever the hell that was - sure felt like a hell of a lot more than nothing, Gabe!"

Gabriel felt the first tears as they coursed down his cheeks. "Fine! Fine, you want to know? Here it is: I like you Sam. Really, really like you. To the point where I think I might actually be a little bit in love with you." More than a little bit, Gabriel thought. "And, since there's no fucking way you'd ever feel the same, I never said anything. Until tonight, because I haven't seen you in three months and I have been absolutely miserable. And I realized - I realized I never wanted to be apart from you. But then tonight's fucking fiasco happened, and I've probably ruined our friendship forever, and -"

Sam's lips crashed onto Gabriel's, cutting him off. Sam's palms were holding Gabriel's face, not allowing him to back off or move forward. Gabriel froze, arms still hanging uselessly at his sides. A small moan was pulled from Gabriel and, before he knew it, the only thing touching his lips was the cold air.

"Shit, Gabriel, I - I didn't mean to do that," Sam swore, pushing away from Gabriel and rubbing his face with a gloved hand.

"Sam..."

"Gabriel, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

"What? Wait, why not?"

"Because," Sam muttered. "I'm still not sure how I feel about you, and I'm still pissed, and I just - I need to wrap my head around this, okay?"

He took a deep breath. "I don't know if my kissing you was just a result of everything you said or if I actually - if I actually -" He paused, turning and shaking his head. "I need to fucking think."

"Sam, maybe it would be better if we gave each other some space for a while. For you to collect your thoughts and for me to - well, never mind what I'll do."

Sam looked at Gabriel over his shoulder, eyes red and hair mussed. He nodded, a short, jerky movement. "I'll call you. Maybe."

Gabriel's heart sank at the 'maybe'. Plastering a fake smile on his face, he watched Sam walk away, back to the bar, back to his friends, back to the place where he could forget Gabriel and everything that had just happened.

With a small sigh, Gabriel began walking toward the dorm, already planning ways to move on. He knew Sam had only acted in the heat of the moment; he didn't like him back, he was straight, and they were only best friends.

He didn't look back.

~~

_The night was all you had_

_You ran into the night from all you had_

_Found yourself a path upon the ground_

_You ran into the night, you can't be found_

"Laura Palmer", Bastille


	2. Part Two

PART TWO - six months later

  
  


_All that's left behind_

_Is a shadow on my mind_

_Oh, a shadow comes upon a wall, its silhouette and nothing more,_

_But it's all that's left behind_

"These Streets", Bastille

~~

  
  


||present- July 2014||

Gabriel plays with his napkin, twisting it between his fingers and slowly shredding it. He's reminded of that moment of awkwardness between him and Sam, sitting in a cheap bar with no idea how to handle each other. They've come a long way since then - although they still haven't talked about that night. It's faded to the background while still being at the forefront of Gabriel's mind. He doesn't know how Sam feels about it, and he's kind of worried to ask. The door opens and Gabriel's head whips around. Sam walks through the door, hair blowing gently in the summer wind.

 

~~

 

||5 months and 2 weeks ago||

Gabriel didn't talk Sam for a while after New Year's. It was awkward, he was embarrassed, and he didn't want to see the one thing he knew he'd never have. His only regret was losing the friendship they'd had before Gabriel had screwed everything up; silly declarations of love and affection had really meant nothing in the long run, and now he'd lost the best friend he'd ever had.

 

He'd gone straight to the Housing Office the first day back for the semester, a large brick building with ivy crawling over the sides. There was a small apartment complex only a couple miles from campus, and Gabriel needed a fresh start. Everything was processed quickly, and Gabriel moved into his new single-person apartment within a couple weeks after break. There was no housewarming party; Gabriel didn't have the nerve or the desire to face anyone at the moment. He moved in quietly, all of his stuff fitting in one medium-sized box that he moved to the apartment. Everything else got tossed, including a crumpled-up letter Sam had sent him from camp forever ago, and anything he couldn't part with either came with him or got shipped back home, where his mom threw it in his room without a care.

Dean and Castiel came over a week after he'd moved in. Gabriel had been about to leave for the gym, having recently found catharsis in a punching bag. Castiel looked only slightly apologetic as Dean stormed around the room, swearing at Gabriel and threatening him with bodily harm.

"What the fuck did you do to my brother, Gabriel?"

"That's between me and him."

"Bullshit it is! He's my brother; I deserve to know!" Dean hit a vase off the table (it had been a Christmas gift from Luke, so Gabriel wasn't too upset), before turning around and pointing an accusing finger at Gabriel. Castiel hovered uncertainly near the sofa, eyes flicking between Gabriel and Dean.

"Fuck off, hotshot! Your brother is in college! He's 18, and you're still treating him like a fucking kid!" Gabriel hissed. "Wonder why he ran away to Stanford first chance he got, then at least he didn't have to deal with your sorry ass babying him all the friggin' time!"

Dean had growled and lunged for Gabriel, getting in one solid punch to the jaw before Castiel stepped in, hauling him backward. Gabriel rubbed his cheek, glaring at Dean. His eyes were red, and he was furiously trying to blink away the pressure behind them.

Castiel held Dean back with a hand on his chest; Dean didn't do more than scowl at Gabriel and mutter veiled threats under his breath. Gabriel turned away, tears of frustration beginning to course down his cheeks. Castiel, tactful as ever, pulled Dean away with a soft, "We'll come back later. Feel free to call, Gabriel." Gabriel didn't acknowledge the two as they left, closing the door gently behind them. Instead, he picked up a broken shard of the vase and, with all his remaining strength, chucked it at the door. It shattered into smaller pieces, but did nothing to abate the flood of rage and frustration running through Gabriel's body.

He picked up the gym bag from the floor and headed out the door, boxing gloves in place, and hailed a cab.

 

~~  


||4 months ago||

  
Gabriel sat at the table, staring at the phone. It blinked intermittently, letting off a quick flash of light. He pursed his lips and steepled his hands, resting his chin on them. The evening light cast a shadow on the wall, making it seem darker than it really was.

  
The phone blinked.

  
With a resigned sigh, Gabriel grabbed the phone and swiped the screen upwards. A lone number glinted on the screen, one that Gabriel hadn't seen since, well... since December.

  
"Sam?"

  
"...Gabriel?"

Even the hesitation in Sam's tone wasn't enough to deter Gabriel. He leaned back in his chair, tapping his feet along the ground.

"Can I help you?"

"I know this is probably really bad timing-"

"You think, Sammy?" Gabriel flinched inwardly as the epithet fell from his lips seamlessly. He wasn't sure if he had the right to call Sam that anymore. There was an awkward pause over the line, both of them not sure what to say next.

"So why'd you call?" Gabriel asked, breaking the silence. There was an audible exhale as Sam sighed in relief, chattering on.

"Listen, I know things ended on a really bad note last time we talked. And -" Sam trailed off, voice growing quiet. "Well, I miss my best friend."

Gabriel remained silent, glaring at the table. "Sam..."

"I know, I know, I'm horrible and selfish and this is probably the worst tact I've ever tried to show and you probably hate me anyway so-"

  
"Sam, I'm pretty sure we established how much I didn't hate you last time we saw each other." Gabriel laughed without humor, waking over to the fridge to grab a beer. He cracked it open and took a sip as he waited for Sam's response.

  
"...Right. Anyway, I was thinking - maybe we could get together for drinks? Just to chat, catch up, y'know? You're still my friend, no matter what happened - back then."

  
"My heart's aflutter," Gabriel drawled, taking another drink of his beer. It burned going down.

  
"Is it against your disposition to be serious?"

  
"Yep."

  
There's a frustrated sigh on the other line.

  
"Can you just tell me if we can meet or not? I'm off next month for a small break, maybe we could get together then."

  
"Sam - I'm not so sure that would be the best idea," Gabriel whispered, heart shuddering with an ache as he tried to turn Sam down. His brain was screaming at him, telling to accept, but he was still wary. There's a long silence, not awkward, simply contemplative and maybe a bit disappointed.

  
"Okay. I can respect that. It's your call," Sam replied, voice soft. "If you change your mind, though... You know how to reach me."

 

"Right," Gabriel said, finger hovering over the 'delete' button. He flexed his hand, trying to make himself press down on the button. Either his brain or his heart was working extra hard, stopping him from erasing Sam's number.

"Well, bye, I guess." Sam's voice cracked on the last syllable, quickly covered up by a feeble cough. Gabriel's mouth twisted into a line, trying to not let the whimper force him to change his mind. The sound of the dial tone was all he could hear after Sam had hung up, and he almost viciously stabbed down on the 'end call' button.

Gabriel stared at the phone in his hand, watching as the screen blinked out and darkened. He rolled his eyes and looked to the sky, feeling guilty. A car drove by his house, bass turned up so high that it was shaking Gabriel's small apartment complex. The phone sat innocently in Gabriel's hand, sleek form resting in his palm. Glaring at the phone like it had done him a personal offense, Gabriel sighed heavily. He moaned and grumbled for a bit, cursing himself and cursing Sam Winchester and saying a big 'ol 'fuck you' to the universe.

He pressed down on a button and held the phone to his ear, frowning in irritation.

The phone was picked up after two rings.

"Sam, I changed my mind."

Gabriel tried to ignore the swooping feelings in his stomach after Sam replied enthusiastically.

 

~~  


||3 months ago||

 

Gabriel walked into the bar, shrugging off his coat and throwing it into the coat room. He slid into the booth, leaning back and tapping his phone against the table impatiently. Within the minute, the door opened again, letting in a draft. In walked Sam, rubbing his gloved hands together and shoving his coat into the opposite side of the booth, crawling in after it.

"Hey Sam."

"Hey."

The ensuing silence was awkward, neither knowing exactly what to say. The last time they spoke, Sam had still needed time that Gabriel agreed to give. Tonight was supposed to be a night where they could get to know each other again, re-establish their friendship. Get back to where they used to be.

The waitress, a blonde named Meg, came and went, Gabriel ordering a Coors and Sam a Labatt. They each took a sip, setting the bottles back on the table.

"So, Dean tells me you've been boxing?" Sam broke the ice tentatively, playing with the napkin under his drink. Gabriel shrugged.

"You and Dean talk about me a lot?"

"No, no, it's just -" Sam huffed, before noticing Gabriel's small smirk. He chuckled, shaking his head. "Nice to see you haven't changed."

"Not in the slightest. You'd get bored if I did."

"True.. Anyway, boxing?" Sam leaned in, eyes gleaming. Gabriel thought about leaning in as well, but decided against it. Too soon to push it.

"It's good. Relaxing. Helps me keep my mind off stuff for a bit."

Sam ducked his head, averting his gaze. The lights in the bar played off his hair, giving it a mystical look. Gabriel reached out to run his hand through it before pulling back, reminded of the situation. Sam looked up then, almost as if he'd felt the phantom touch. "So boxing is good. And how's college?"

"It's been fine, I suppose. I go back in a couple of days, but then I get a month off for a personal project thing that's gonna be hell. Getting a major in business and management probably wasn't the best decision."

"Business and management? Wait, what do you want to do? Last I remember, you wanted to become a professional comedian."

Gabriel snorted. "I was twelve, Samsquatch. I remember you wanted to be a pilot. Now you're going for law."

"Hey, don't turn this on me. Seriously, Gabriel, how come you're going into that major?"

Gabriel smiled, looking up at Sam and sweeping his arm out. "I want to open a chocolate shop. Sell all types of desserts, anything with a lot of sugar in it."

Sam nodded, face considering. "If it means anything, I think you'll do great."

"Sam, you know that means a lot more than nothing. A hell of a lot more."

Sam ran his hands through his hair, looking away, tips of his ears turning a slight reddish color. "Right. Uh. Yeah."

Gabriel kicked himself. _Fucking - once chance, one chance to really bond like we haven't in for-fucking-ever, and you go and screw it up. Well done, slick._

Hastily trying to change the subject, Gabriel cut into Sam's silence with a jovial, "And you? How's college up there in the sunny land of California?"

  
Sam opened his mouth, then changed his mind, closing it.

"Listen, Gabriel... No hard feelings, yeah?"

"Sam, when I said I wanted to be friends, I did say just friends was okay with me. No hard feelings."

"Okay." Sam took in a deep breath. "Law school is difficult, but I'm really loving it. And uh - there's this girl in the nursing school right next door who I've been talking to for a couple months." He paused, eyes flitting to Gabriel. To his credit, Gabriel's face remained impassive and blank, not giving away any emotions apart from a gentle curiosity.

"She's - she's absolutely brilliant, and I think, well, I think she might be the one."

Gabriel's face remained stone, but inside his emotions were tumultuous. He could barely speak for fear of his voice cracking and betraying the hurt and pain that he felt.

"How long is a couple months?"

Sam looked sheepishly at Gabriel before replying. "Since the beginning of the first semester."

Gabriel nodded, frowning slightly and staring at the wall next to the booth.

"So, before the New Year's Party? Before... before everything?"

Sam bit his lip before inclining his head in assent.

"So, I guess the kiss really meant nothing to you, huh?" Gabriel knew he was being petty, but he couldn't help the words coming out.

"Gabe, that's not what this is about."

"No, Sammy, it's okay, I get it. Really, don't have to explain anything, I won't push it," Gabriel said, playing with his glass. "So. This new girl - what did you say her name was?"

The awe and pure happiness on Sam's face as he answered with, "Jess", was what broke Gabriel. He could feel his heart falling to his feet at Sam's obvious crush. Nodding slightly he examined the grains in the wood and listened as Sam sighed forlornly.

"She'll never like me back, though."

Time to hide the pain and be the best friend that Gabriel always used to be. Forcing a smile and a gaiety he didn't feel, Gabriel leaned over and snapped in front of Sam's face.

"Sam, she's been talking to you since September. Roughly. Do you guys have study dates? Alone time? Days where all you wanna do is talk to her? Days where just the fact that she's near you is enough, and you're sure that she feels the same?"

"Yeah, I think so... But, Gabe, how did you know all that?"

Gabriel paused, bitter smile creeping onto his face. He pulled back, crossing his arms against the new chill in the room.

"Call it personal experience, kiddo." He looked at Sam, trying and failing to hide the pain from his eyes. He tore the napkin in half, running the two pieces in between his fingers while he waited for Sam to respond.

He waited a long time.

"Oh... Gabriel, I didn't know - " Sam trailed off, looking like he didn't know how to fix the situation. And he shouldn't have to - the entire situation itself was Gabriel's fault; he'd brought this upon himself, and listening to Sam wax poetic about some college chick he liked was his penance.

"Don't sweat it, Sam, really. It was - well, never mind." Gabriel shrugged, tearing at the napkin once more. His gaze stayed fixed downward, refusing to look back up at Sam as he muttered his next words.

He knew that he was breaking himself; he didn't need Sam seeing as it happened.

"I think she likes you. And, hell, Sam, after everything with your dad and your mom and your uncle... you should get this." He stopped, eyes flicking upward, watching as Sam's eyes softened and a small smile took the place of a worried frown. "I mean, you deserve to be happy, Sam. Does she make you happy?"

"Happier than I think I've ever been."

There was a tight pain in his chest at the words, slowly spreading over his body and making him feel weak, pathetic. Broken.

He didn't know there was anything else left that could break.

"Well, that's that, I guess. So, when you get back to college, go talk to her and tell her everything. And then call me, I wanna know how it goes." _Please don't call me, I won't be able to handle any of your words if I know all my chances are gone._

"Yeah... yeah, I will. Thanks, Gabe. I know I shouldn't have talked to you about this - you don't want to hear about this at all. But I just - I feel so isolated from everyone else, you know? You're really the only person I can talk to and say whatever I want."

Gabriel's throat closed, and his response to Sam was soft and choked. "Don't mention it. Anytime."

Sam smiled at Gabriel, then grabbed his coat and left the booth with a perfunctory, "Gotta go say 'hey' to the folks before heading to Dean's place." He headed out, the following draft doing nothing to affect Gabriel's already numb body.

Gabriel lifted his beer to his lips and drank, a single traitorous tear falling down his cheek.

 

~~  


||2 months ago||

  
Bzzng. Bzzng.

 

Gabriel rolled over in bed, groaning and pulling the pillow over his head. There was a little light flashing from his side table.

Bzzng. Bzzng.

Swearing softly, he reached his hand out from the blankets and felt around the table until he grabbed his phone. Unlocking it, he held it to his ear and muttered an almost unintelligible greeting.

  
"H'lo?"

"Uh... Gabriel?"

It was Sam. And he sounded absolutely wrecked. Gabriel sat up straight in bed, alert. He glanced at the bedside clock: 4:58 AM. He swung his legs around to sit off the edge of the bed, leaning his elbows on his legs.

"Sam? What's wrong."

There was a long pause, the only sound one of Sam drawing in a shuddering breath over the line.

"It's Jess."

"What about Jess? What happened? Did you guys break up, what?" Gabriel was pacing the length of the room, running his spare hand through his hair. He briefly considered making himself a coffee with a splash of Jack in it. He decided against it; Sam was more important.

"Sam. Talk to me, kiddo. What the hell is happening?"

There was another pause, sounds of fumbling coming through the line.

"Jess is dead."

It was Dean's voice on the line now, gruff and strong where Sam's was quiet and rough. Gabriel sat down, not trusting his legs to remain up. He dragged a hand over his face, uttering a low disbelieving noise. God, Sam must be utterly destroyed right now. That was why he sounded so lost on the phone.

When he gained enough self-control to speak again, he asked, "How?"

He could feel Dean's shrug through the phone. "Man, I don't even know. All I know is that there was a fire somewhere in the apartment. The police won't tell me anything, not even when I vetted my dad's old military status at them. There's rumors of foul play being involved, but I just - I don't know." He sounded absolutely exhausted, like staying strong for Sam had drained him completely. Now, it was Gabriel's turn. For both of them.

Gabriel was speechless for once in his life. That Jack looks mighty good right now. He tried to form sound, but nothing came out. He felt the tears begin to leak out, falling down his face. He exhaled slowly, centering himself.

"How's Sam holding up?"

There was a quiet lapse from Dean, until he began to whisper to Gabriel. "He's gonna bolt or something, I can feel it. I know that kid like the back of my hand. He's gonna do something crazy." Dean blew out a frustrated breath. "You need to talk to him. He won't listen to me. Maybe you can talk some sense into him."

Gabriel sputtered. "Dean, I can't - I don't know how to handle this! What, just offer him a shoulder to cry on? My best friend-turned-love interest talking to me about the girl he loves who just died?" The entire speech was for show; Dean and Gabriel knew that Gabriel would go to the ends of the Earth for Sam. And back, if he were still alive by then.

"Please," Dean said, only a hint of begging in his voice. "I'm sending him home directly after the funeral this weekend. Just - keep an eye on him, alright? I can't lose anyone else."

Gabriel nodded, before remembering and grunting an affirmative into the phone.

With a muttered, "I gotta call Cas," Dean hung up. Gabriel staggered over to the bed, perching on the edge and thinking. He tried calling Sam's cell phone, but he didn't expect him to answer.

He tossed the phone next to him and turned the volume up as high as it could go. He turned onto his side, realizing that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep at all.

\--

The next morning dawned bright and early. About 20 minutes after Gabriel had first gotten the call, Castiel had showed up at his apartment, thankfully with copious amounts of coffee. Gabriel was currently on his third cup, staring at the dregs lining the bottom. His eyes felt like they had lead weights attached to them; all he wanted to do was collapse onto the table and sleep for a week. But he couldn't.

He had to be there if Sam called.

Gabriel and Castiel's phones both lay on the table, screens ominously dark. Neither of them had spoken to Dean and Sam beyond a perfunctory conversation earlier that had pretty much been a summation of what had happened and what to expect.

Castiel was currently leaning back in his chair, head tilted and eyes fluttering shut every few minutes. Gabriel smacked his cup on the table whenever Castiel drifted off, not wanting to face the impending phone call on his own.

Hours had passed, and Gabriel was worried. Worried about the funeral, what everything was doing to Sam... Hell, even a little worried about Dean. Because whatever affected Dean would affect his own brother, and he never wanted to see Castiel in pain again.

A phone rang.

Like it had been a siren, both Castiel and Gabriel jumped, sitting up straight and reaching for their respective phones.

It was Castiel's that rang. Dean was calling with updates. Castiel put the phone on speaker, and they both crowded around it to be able to hear the news.

"Hey, uh. The funeral is gonna be Monday morning, and then me and Sam are gonna fly back home." His voice was rough and scratchy, sounding worn from use. If that was what Dean sounded like, there was no telling what Sam must sound like. Gabriel winced, imagining it. Hoarse from tears and screams, all caused by the pain that loss brought.

Gabriel wished he were there with Sam.

"Dean, please be careful. If foul play was involved, you can't be sure who was the true target of the attack. What if they come after you two?" Castiel sounded anxious, worried; terrified that Dean and Sam might be in danger.

  
"Hey, hey, Cas, it's alright, it's gonna be alright. No one else is gonna get hurt. I promise." Dean's voice was tinny through the connection, but it was obvious that his voice had softened when reassuring Castiel.

 

Castiel merely nodded, whispering one more, "Stay safe. I love you," before hanging up and turning to Gabriel. They both sat down at the table once more, resuming their silent vigil.

Gabriel finished another coffee cup.

\--

The third call came in the afternoon, after Castiel had gone back home to sleep and eat. Gabriel was still at the table, having added some whiskey to his coffee. The ringing of the phone felt like a blessing. He made a mad grab for it, whipping it up to his ear without checking the caller ID.

"Gabe?" The only sound that came through was a cracked whisper in the form of Sam's voice.

"Yeah, Sam, I'm here."

"Gabe, I can't, I -"

"Breathe, Sam, breathe. I'm here for you."

There was a long draw of breath over the line, and a gasp. "Gabe, what - what do I do? I was -" There was a choked-off sob. "I bought a ring. I was gonna propose."

Gabriel felt like his chest had been ripped open, his heart taken and torn apart. He shoved the feeling away and steeled himself, resolving to not let any pain come through his voice; Sam needed him, it was simple as that.

"Sam, you need to breathe. You're panicking, and that's not gonna help anything."

"You don't know-"

Gabriel took a deep breath. "Then tell me, Sam."

Silence from the other end of the phone. And then a resigned, tired, broken, "Okay.

"Dean had come down for the week, said something about how he had a week off and wanted to come see me up here. Drove up two days ago, came right up to me and Jess' apartment and banged on the door."

"You and Jess have an apartment?"

"...Had." Sam stumbled over the single word, breathing it out in a whisper and voice cracking in the middle. Gabriel's heart twinged in sympathy, feeling Sam's pain.

"Anyway, Dean, Jess, and I went out for dinner. Dean hadn't met Jess before then, and was really interested in meeting the 'chick who got saddled with his brother'. She just -" A pause. "She just looked at me, she must have known Dean was kidding, and said that - that I wasn't someone she was saddled with. That she loved me.

"We all went out for drinks after dinner - there's this bar near our place that served minors if they were with someone of age, as long as they were being responsible. It was just fun, we didn't talk about anything heavy. Dean teased me about Jess, and she came right back at him with jokes, it was - it seemed perfect, I..." Sam trailed off, gasping.

"And then Jess left, gave me a kiss on the cheeks and told me she was going home because she was tired. I was gonna stay out with Dean a while longer, come home around midnight, maybe a bit later.

"And then the worst feeling entered my chest, the most foreboding feeling just came over me, and I - all I remember after that was begging Dean to drive me home and seeing the entire building on fire. I prayed, Gabe - for the first time in years I prayed to God, prayed that Jess wasn't in there, that she'd gone out or something, just so that I wouldn't have to face the possibility that she was -" His breath hitched and Gabriel ran a tired hand over his face, grip becoming loose on the phone.

"And then they identified the bodies and the funeral was planned and - everything happened so quickly. I blinked and I missed it all. Suddenly Jess was in the ground and I was standing over her grave, Dean at my shoulder, numb."

"Sam," Gabriel started, trying to comfort him. But Sam wasn't listening, too caught up in his grief that he was tuning Gabriel out, only focusing upon the story.

"I should have been there. If I hadn't stayed out with Dean, maybe we would have been able to get out."

"You couldn't have helped, even if you were there, kiddo."

There was a wounded keen from the other end. "Gabriel, you don't understand, I should've been there, I should've done something, I-"

Gabriel cut him off. "Sam, it was not your fault. Even if you had been in the building, you couldn't have saved her. You would have died with her."

There was a soft whisper on the other end. "Maybe I should have."

Gabriel blinked away the tears that had formed at the corners of his eyes. "Sam - don't, don't ever say that."

Sam laughed on the other end. "Why not? It's true, I know it is."

"No, Sam-"

But Sam cut him off. "Listen, Gabriel, I need to go, the funeral is in a couple days, and I need to - if I have to see her parents, I just..."

Gabriel nodded, forgetting that Sam couldn't see him. "I get it. Do what you have to do. But, Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm always here."

"I know."

Gabriel hung up, leaning heavily on the table. A tear fell onto the granite top, and Gabriel numbly wiped it away. _This is so wrong._

\--

"Gabriel?"

"Sam? I didn't expect you back until later."

"Yeah, I left right after the - the ..." He trailed off, an awkward silence forming as he tried to find the words.

"So where are you now?"

"Airport."

"Where's Dean?"

"Driving home. Afraid of airplanes," Sam explained. Gabriel chuckled, and for a brief moment everything was normal.

"Can you come pick me up?" Sam's voice was small and soft, exhausted in ways that a college kid shouldn't have any reason to be. He sniffled on the other end, and Gabriel could hear the soft hum of chatter at Sam's end. He nodded jerkily, already racing to the counter where his keys lay.

"Be there in ten."

"Thanks," Sam whispered, hanging up.

Gabriel sped to the airport, remembering Dean's warning about Sam doing a runner. As much as he pretended otherwise, he knew Sam pretty well. Or, had known. Things could have changed since December. And grief does terrifying things to people.

He pulled into the lot, eyes scanning the sparse crowd for a glimpse of Sam. After a couple seconds, there was a gap in the throng and Gabriel peeked through, spotting Sam sitting hunched over on an empty bench. He pulled up to the curb, not caring that he was parking illegally, and got out of the car, locking it behind him. He approached Sam slowly, not wanting to startle him. Turned out he needn't have worried; Sam was lost in his own world, tracing small hook-like shapes into the dirt with a stick.

He was tracing 'J's'. Gabriel winced in sympathy; Sam was still really torn up. And why wouldn't he be? If he really had been about to propose... Gabriel crushed that train of thought before it could go further. He steeled himself and reached out, gently gripping Sam's arm. Sam glanced up, eyes dull and lifeless. He barely acknowledged Gabriel standing there, grabbing the handle of his bag and standing up. Eyes cast downward once more, he followed Gabriel to his car, tossing his duffel in the trunk and sliding into the front seat. Gabriel pulled away from the curb, giving Sam a sidelong glance.

He was turned toward the window, sitting on the farthest edge of the seat. His hand was tapping out unknown patterns on his leg, moving restlessly. He didn't say a word, closing his eyes halfway through the drive and leaning against the window, head down.

Gabriel didn't say anything on the ride back, a marvelous show of self-restraint. On the inside, he was itching to talk to Sam, gauge how he was doing, and handle it from there.

He made a split-second decision; turning off the expressway onto the deserted lane had Sam sitting up and rubbing his eyes, giving Gabriel a confused look.

"Gabriel, isn't your apartment the other way?"

"Just... wait."

He pulled into the lot, driving straight up to the tree where the small wooden house stood. Their old tree house, the one they hadn't been in since before everything fell apart. Sam glanced at Gabriel, an unreadable look in his eyes, and silently left the car, making his way over to the ladder. Gabriel took his time, watching the stiff line of Sam's shoulders as he went. Berating himself for thinking this would be a good idea, he grabbed two bags out of the trunk and followed behind Sam.

They ascended the ladder in silence, Gabriel awkwardly pulling the bags up with him as he climbed.

Sitting in silence, they both looked at anything but the other man in the tree house. Gabriel broke the silence first, unable to stand the awkward space between him and Sam.

"Sam, I'm sorry."

"Don't-" Sam's voice was tired as he answered. "I've heard at least five hundred 'sorry's and hearing one more won't bring Jess back." Gabriel froze, blinking rapidly.

"Sam-" Gabriel started, cut off by the broken look Sam gave him.

"It's not worth it." Sam whispered, curling his knees up and resting his head atop them.

This is a bad idea, Gabriel thought. But fuck it. He reached over to the bag he had brought up and pulled out a case of beer, handing one over to Sam and cracking one open himself. Sam stared almost unseeingly at it, not moving to open the beer at all. Gabriel watched, waiting, as Sam moved slowly to open the bottle. He took a small sip, grimacing at the flavor, and leaned his head against the wall behind his back.

Gabriel counted it as a victory.

\--

They'd been drinking for about four hours, Sam drinking the majority of the case, when it had happened.

Sam grabbed Gabriel's coat, pulling him into his body and crashing their lips together. Gabriel swayed against Sam, stumbling as he was tugged forward. He gasped, mouth falling open, and Sam's tongue met his in a violent flare of heat. Sam's hands snaked around Gabriel's back, tightening his grip and not letting Gabriel move. Gabriel wrapped his arms around Sam's neck and dug his fingers into Sam's hair, standing on his tiptoes for easier access. Gabriel felt dizzy, his blood rushing south.

There was a low moan from Sam, and he pulled Gabriel down to the couch till he was sitting in Sam's lap. Gabriel gasped, mouths breaking apart for a second before sliding back together. The hot press of tongue against teeth caused Gabriel to see stars, and he groaned and pushed closer to Sam.

"Gabe," Sam whispered, pulling away and pressing his lips to Gabriel's neck. He kissed down to where Gabriel's shoulder and neck met, sucking hungrily on the skin there. Gabriel tilted his head to give Sam better access, gripping Sam's arm and squeezing, trying to ground himself.

Sam kissed back up to Gabriel's mouth, pulling him closer and rubbing their groins together. He broke away from Gabriel's mouth to breathe, and whispered a soft, "Help me forget," against Gabriel's lips.

Gabriel stiffened, no longer reciprocating. He shoved Sam away and stumbled back, back hitting the opposite wall of the tree house. Sam watched as he went, a confused gaze forming on his face. He stood up, hands that had only just been gripping onto Gabriel's hips hanging uselessly down at his side.

"What did you just say?" There was absolute silence in the tree house, punctuated only by Gabriel's question and Sam's heavy breathing. Sam shrugged, looking jerkily around and refusing to answer. He kicked at the loose floorboard, scuffing the top of his old sneakers.

"Sam. Answer me." Gabriel could feel the poison rising in his chest, venomous words that he wanted to spit at Sam for getting his hopes up, for baiting him, for being so fucking selfish about it.

Sam looked at Gabriel then, eyes haunted and cracked. He didn't answer, just stared at Gabriel with that ... look on his face.

Gabriel sagged against the wall of the tree house, wiping a hand over his face. He let his body slide down until he was seated on the floor, legs curled up and elbows resting on his knees.

"I - Sam," Gabriel said, voice rough. "You just -" He curled up even tighter on himself, sighing in frustration. Hitting the back of his head against the wall, he looked back at Sam and closed his eyes.

"I'm not gonna be some stand-in. I know I haven't done that much good in my life, but even I deserve better than," he paused, gesturing between him and Sam, feeling his lips tingling, "whatever the hell that was."

He averted his eyes, trying to fight off the burn of tears building up behind his eyelids. "I mean, I know me kissing you in December was a shitty thing to do, but you didn't have to shove it in my face."

"No, that's not what I-" Sam started, interrupted by the short, sarcastic laugh coming from Gabriel.

"Here you are, recovering from losing your girlfriend, and I'm still managing to make everything about me." Gabriel laughed again, the sound getting caught on the lump forming in his throat. He pushed up from the ground and walked over to where Sam stood, face hidden in shadow. Sam looked up as Gabriel approached, face betraying the pain and regret he felt.

The fire left Sam's eyes then, replaced by a dull sadness. Looking down at Gabriel, he pressed a hand to his mouth, stifling a sob. He collapsed on the couch, curling in on himself and covering his face with trembling hands.

"I... I'm so sorry, Gabriel." His shoulders had begun shaking, and Gabriel instinctively moved closer. He tilted Sam over, laying him down fully on the couch. Pushing him back, Gabriel laid down next to him, their legs tangling on the short sofa. Sam bent his head into Gabriel's chest, clutching at Gabriel's arms and pulling him closer. Gabriel wrapped his arms around Sam, stroking his hair and mumbling soft words of comfort to him. He felt Sam relax in his arms as he drifted off, and pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head, closing his eyes and curling in tighter.

"It's okay, Sam. It's okay."

 

~~

 

||present||

  


Gabriel waves half-heartedly, motioning Sam over to his booth. Sam nods jerkily before coming over, hands shoved deep into the pocket of his shorts. He's obviously been working out; the muscles on his arm are more defined than they had been the last time Gabriel had seen him - that night in the tree house. Gabriel bites his lip, trying not to think about Sam's strong arms wrapping around him and-

"Hey," Sam says, cutting into Gabriel's train of thought. Gabriel's mouth is dry as he looks up at Sam, staring at Gabriel with an unreadable look in his eyes.

"Hey yourself," Gabriel replies, pushing the bread basket over to Sam as he sits across from him in the booth. Sam grabs a slice of bread and begins buttering it as Gabriel folds his arms on the table. Chattering sounds from the patrons at the bar crescendo as whatever sport on the television goes on, fans cheering for their team. The bar is musty, hot; Gabriel regrets wearing jeans.

He and Sam haven't kept eye contact for more than a few seconds, and they haven't spoken beyond the standard greeting that popular custom dictates. Gabriel clears his throat, pulling at his shirt around his neck.

"How are you?" he asks, fiddling with a loose string on his shirt cuff. Sam doesn't respond for a long moment, stretching out the uncomfortable silence between them. Gabriel glances up to find Sam has put down his bread and is looking back at Gabriel, tilting his head slightly.

Sam shrugs. "Fine as I could be, I suppose. I'm back at college, and it's not as hard as it used to be."

Gabriel isn't sure what to say to that, so he remains quiet, watching Sam. Sam shrugs again, visibly biting the inside of his cheek. Gabriel almost reaches out to stroke his arm comfortingly, stopping only when he remembers the awkward position he and Sam are currently in. He settles for casting a sympathetic look at Sam and smiling sadly.

"And yourself?" Sam says, looking away from Gabriel and focusing on the menu.

"Fine. I've got the go-ahead for my project, and I think that I might want to enlist your brother's help."

Sam snorted, folding his arms over his chest. "I'm not helping you with that one. Tackling Dean for you isn't my job."

And just like that, it was like everything had been months ago. Casual, carefree; the banter that had always flown with such ease between the two. Gabriel chuckled at Sam's response, responding with a teasing, "Please, I've always handled Dean better than you."

"I can think of more than ten occasions where I'd have to disagree." Sam laughs out loud, ribbing Gabriel gently. Gabriel laughs in response, leaning back in the booth and laughing.

His knee bumps Sam's and they both freeze, laughter dying down as they both gradually sober. Gabriel carefully pulls away from Sam, once-more sitting straight up on the bench. Sam's face has returned to being a blank mask, barely showing any emotion. Gabriel cursed himself internally, mentally kicking himself in the groin. It hurt.

The awkward silence is there once more, both Sam and Gabriel refusing to make eye contact and speak. They never pretended to be good at this whole social thing; at least, not around each other. Especially not since December.

Gabriel has just opened his mouth to speak, annoyed with the tense silence permeating the air, when a cheery voice comes from the front of their table.

"Can I get you anything to drink, boys?" Jo asks, pulling out a sheet of paper as she takes their orders.

"Beer, please," Sam says, glancing over at Gabriel once he'd finished.

"Chocolate martini for me, thanks," Gabriel replies, smiling at Jo as she snaps shut the notepad and moves over to the bar to grab their drinks.

"Girl," Sam mutters, small smile on his face. Gabriel snorts, flicking a triangular piece of his napkin at Sam's face. It makes contact right between his eyes, falling almost silently to the table. Sam is frozen, eyes locked on the paper sitting in front of him. He looks up at Gabriel, shock in his eyes, before his mouth splits into a grin. "You dick."

"Takes one to know one," Gabriel says cheekily, waggling his eyebrows at Sam. The terse silence has almost disappeared, the atmosphere in the room feeling light and carefree. It is freeing; Gabriel quickly forms another piece of ammunition, flicking it up toward Sam, laughing as Sam bats it away with a large hand. Both of them have loosened up, falling back into the comfortable friendship they've had for forever.

Jo comes back with their drinks, plopping them onto the table with a loud clank. She smiles at them both, reaching out to pat them on their arms. "Glad to see you boys have gotten things sorted. Can I get you anything to eat?"

Sam shakes his head. "Thanks, Jo, but I ate before coming here."

"Same, just came for a couple drinks with Sam."

"Alright," Jo says, smiling. She walks away, heading to the next table to take their order. Gabriel runs a hand through his hair, unsure of how to continue. There's still a metaphorical elephant staring him and Sam in the face, and Gabriel isn't sure of how to face it. He takes a deep breath, drumming his fingers on the table, before confronting it.

"Sam, what was up with the kiss?" Gabriel asks.

They'd woken up curled into each other the day after the - thing. All morning, they both skated around the topic, refusing to acknowledge anything. Gabriel drove Sam to Dean and Castiel's house around midday, helping him carry his bags inside and leaving after a short, awkward goodbye. That night, Gabriel couldn't fall asleep, memories of the kiss playing around in his head for hours. He tossed and turned, sweating, as he tried to get it out of his head. Nothing would come of it, and dwelling upon the kiss would bring only pain and heartbreak. Well, more than before.

Gabriel looks on as Sam flinches before turning away. Sam's knuckles tighten on the table, hands clenching into fists. He visibly tenses, and Gabriel opens his mouth to try and pull the words back, rectify the situation.

"Listen, Sam-"

"I'm sorry." Sam cuts him off with blunt words, still looking away from Gabriel. His fingers are agitatedly tapping on the top of the table as his jaw clenches, then relaxes. "I was so out of line. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that, I -" He looks over at Gabriel, biting the inside of his cheek. Gabriel's heart is pounding as Sam speaks, breath stuttering. Sam smiles then, brokenly, mouth opening and closing as he tries to find the words to explain.

"Here I am, mourning my dead girlfriend, and I'm shoving myself on you. You didn't deserve that." Sam frowns, looking down at the table in shame. "I'm so sorry, Gabriel."

"Sam, you were drunk."

"I wasn't that drunk."

"So, are we just gonna ignore it and pretend that everything's okay between us?" Gabriel asks, trying not to sound bitter. He obviously fails, if Sam's flinch is anything to go by. Gabriel berates himself, trying to at least be happy about the fact that Sam is talking to him, he isn't running away.

"I know it's not. I'm not -" Sam blows out a frustrated breath, dragging a hand through his hand. "I don't know if we'll ever go back to what we were before, Gabe."

"Why?" Gabriel asks, desperate now, because he'll take Sam any way he can have him, and if nothing else, he wants to at least go back to being best friends. He knows now, how truly special Sam is, and losing him permanently would hurt more than anything had.

"Because -" Sam starts, licking his lips as his voice softens, glancing up at Gabriel through his fringe. "I was wrong about the kiss. About you." Gabriel is frozen in his seat, unsure of where Sam is going with his little speech. Sam plows on, looking straight at Gabriel, not breaking eye contact, for the first time in the entire night.

"That night - well, the night after, at least - I couldn't get it out of my head, I just kept thinking about it, I couldn't sleep." Sam sounds almost annoyed, but Gabriel is shocked, heart stuttering. "Thing is, Gabe... It wasn't just a kiss. No matter how much I pretended that it was. It was - it was more than that, somehow, and I had no idea how to handle that. So I ignored it, and, well, here we are."

There's not even a hint of humor in Sam's voice and, for the first time in forever, Gabriel is absolutely speechless. Sam is staring at him with a strangely forlorn look in his eyes, and Gabriel doesn't know what to say. Or even if there's anything he could say. He just looks back at Sam, trying to convey his understanding through his eyes, but isn't sure if Sam will be able to see past the absolute shock at the forefront of everything.

"What I'm trying to say, I guess, is..." Sam shakes his head, chuckling sarcastically. "I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what it means, I just -"

"Nothing is what you expected it to be?" Gabriel's words are soft, but he's finally found his voice. He glances away from Sam for a moment and hears rather than sees the sigh of agreement.

"Yeah."

Gabriel nods, unsure of how to respond. Sam doesn't look as though he's waiting for Gabriel to say something, but rather looking as though he's battling with himself about  what he wants to say next. The clink of bar glasses permeates the silence between them both, and Sam almost looks taken aback as he seems to realize that they haven't been alone. His face doesn't change, though, apart from softening a bit as he turns back to Gabriel.

"I can't promise anything, Gabriel, because I still don't know exactly where I stand with myself. But the one thing I know is that I do wanna see where this goes. Where we go. And I know this is so out-of-the-blue, but I just - I can't stop thinking about this."

"Sam Winchester, is this your way of asking me out on a date?"

Sam smiles, still a little broken, a little bit fond. "Yeah, I think it is. But..." He trails off, biting his lip as he glances at Gabriel. "I'm not saying I'm gonna be amazing and sweet all the time. Hell, you'll probably want to kill me some days and I'm still not really at all okay."

"You know what, Sam?" Gabriel whispers, leaning across the table to softly kiss Sam. "I think I'll be able to manage."


End file.
